Rules to follow on the London Underground

The London Underground is the world's oldest subway network and as such it is well used and often crowded. In order to use it effectively and without irritating the locals, there are some simple rules to follow, but essentially it boils down to being courteous and avoiding hindering others. Some of the rules are spelt out for you, while others are picked up by reading up on the system ahead of time, following those around you, or unconscious osmosis! This article attempts to prepare you!

Rule 1: Keep left. Or right. Whatever the signs happen to say. Nope, it's not necessarily going to be obvious. As a nation we drive on the left, but there's no set rule for pavements, no set rule for the underground, and many of the stations set out to confuse by putting up signs that tell you which side you should be on, but not co-ordinating that side with the surrounding stations. There is often a long trek between platforms or into and out of the depths of the staiton itself - it will make everyone's life a lot easier if you don't try to walk against the flow.

Rule 2: Stand on the right. This one is universal across the system. If you're using the escalators you're welcome to stand still or to walk, but if you choose to stand you should be on the right. If you make the mistake of blocking other passengers by standing on the left the reactions will vary. Some people will simply tut loudly and try to push past you. Others will tell you the rules, possibly pointing at the small signs that inform you that you should stand on the right. Some will stand behind you, bewildered, allowing the whole escalator to become a queue of irritated commuters. None of these things will increase the goodwill towards people like you. Play nice, be a good example, move fast, or stay out of the way.

Rule 3: Let people off the train first. That means all of the people, right off the train. There is absolutely no point trying to push past them to get into a carriage, they WILL simply push you off the train. You will garner no sympathy because sympathy on the underground is strictly rationed and handed out in small doses to pregnant women and people carrying heavy loads. Likewise, though, if you're approaching your stop, get yourself ready to exit. Everyone out there wants to get in, they can't until you're out of there, and if you're going to stare dazedly into space and only remember at the last moment that you're meant to be alighting you're going to make no friends.If you're waiting to board a train, work out where the doors will be and stand to the side of them. Standing in the doorway waiting is not only unhelpful, it's stupid. You won't get on any slower if you're slightly to the left or right! Some stations have specially marked sections of the floor to guide you, and the Jubilee line has many stations where the trains are walled off behind plexiglass with doors that open to allow entry.

Rule 4: Be sparing in your sympathy. The tube trains are incredibly busy and as rush hour approaches or lunchtime brings workers to the tube alongside toursits, the seats will be in short supply. There are signs up that ask you to give up a seat for those who need it more than you. Do it! People walking with sticks, or trying to wrangle a small upset child will appreciate a seat a lot more than an able bodied person. Some pregnant women now wear small badges that proclaim "Baby on board" to give you a hint. They will generally be too shy or embarrassed to specifically ask for a seat, so do look out for those in need. Conversely, it is not the done thing to spend your sympathy on beggars or buskers who are on the trains. Buskers can play music legally in certain designated areas on the tube network, but these are always in stations, not on the trains. If someone gets on and blasts music at you while passing around a hat, do not hand over money. Nor should you give money to people trying to garner sympathy and handing around notes that say they are hungry and don't speak English. Rightly or wrongly, Britain has various legitimate ways of supporting the poor and nobody needs to be in a situation where they can only get money by begging it from strangers - many of these beggars are professional con artists, abusing the sympathy of strangers. Politely ignore them as well as you can.

Rule 5: Talk to your friends, not to strangers. There's a peculiar British reserve that makes them unlikely to welcome unprovoked conversation. If they talk to you first then feel free to continue the conversation, but most people who use the underground regularly don't really relish it, they just want to get from A to B and they will try to occupy themselves with their own music, the free newspapers or their books. Interrupting them is rude unless you really do need information. Note that when you get onto a very crowded tube train at rush hour, the other commuters are keeping fairly quiet. There is no rule of silence, but it is rude to have your own conversation at unnecessarily high volume.

Rule 6: Don't try to use your mobile. Yes, parts of the underground system are actually outside, yes perhaps you will get a signal. It will not be a reliable signal, though, and as you pass by overground features or head back underground in the train your contact will be severed. It is really annoying to spend your journey listening to somebody bellowing "Hello? HELLO?! ARE YOU STILL THERE?.... Sorry, I got cut off, I was just saying... hello? HELLO?!"

Rule 7: Don't get caught reading somebody else's newspaper. Everyone does it, but it's very rude. Don't let them catch you! There is no news story more utterly fascinating than the one you can only see the top right corner of. The main London newspapers as I write are both free. The Evening Standard comes out mid afternoon, and The Metro is available first thing in the morning. You may have a copy thrust at you as you enter or exit your station, but if you don't you may find several abandoned on the trains themselves. The newspapers have little sections printed inside them that plead with you to be responsible and recycle them instead of leaving them lying around, but people expect to find and pass on the papers throughout the day and tube staff go through clearing out the carriages of leftovers regularly anyway. It is acceptable to pick one up, or even to ask someone to pass one to you if it is out of reach, but woe betide you if you're found reading over someone's shoulder, or spotted surruptitiously glancing at the sports headlines on the back of the paper they're engrossed in.

Rule 8: Respect personal space. When the tube is busy this goes out the window and people will gladly shove their backpack into your kidneys as they clutch it close to their chest, breathe their halitosis all over you and expose you to the bacteria growing in their armpit hair while they reach across your face to hold the support rails. If there is space, though, be aware of those around you. Don't jab them with your umbrella, put your suitcase on their feet, or clasp their hands as you grip the upright support pole. Keep a respectable distance and make sure your luggage is within your own boundaries as well.

Rule 9: Mind the gap and stand clear of the doors. These are so obvioius it's a wonder that Transport for London has to waste so much time telling people all about it. It's a simple case of self preservation. When the train doors open, look where you're about to step. Sometimes there is a space between the train and the platform that is big enough to fall into. When you're on the train, the doors need to close before the train can go anywhere. Get out of their way. They will generally spring back open if they are blocked, which can cause delays to everyone and nobody is going to thank you for wasting their time. Sometimes, though, they will not spring back, they will be closed far enough for the train to register them as shut and it doesn't matter if your hair, clothes, or bag happens to be caught in them. If you don't want an uncomfortable journey pinned to the doorway, get out of the way of the doors in time. I saw one hapless passenger riding a train clutching the handle of his carrier bag while his shopping did the trip outside the train. He only wanted to travel a couple of stops but the plaforms at the subsequent stations were on the wrong side and the doors trapping his belongings weren't opening. I left before I found out the fate of his belongings, but it's possible that they knocked against some wall and were detatched from the handle, leaving him bereft. There's a loud long noisy signal when the doors are about to shut - pay attention to it!

Rule 10: Pay attention to signs and suggestions. Don't put your feet on the seats, keep your legs closed, don't use a whole seat for your suitcase. Play your music at a reasonable level so nobody else is subjected to your tastes and if you must eat as you travel, don't choose food that will stink out the carriage.

In short, play nice. Respect the locals, and look out for the pitfalls. It might seem new and exciting at first but you become blasé to the whole thing quickly, and after that follows the resentment. It's not the most pleasant way to travel, and you can do without morons making the whole thing worse. You're not a moron, are you? No? Well cool, just remember the rules and roll your eyes as well as the next Londoner and you're set to blend in like a local. Have fun!